Advice to a Freshman at Lutheran North
I know the deal. Been there, done that. You’re in Old Testament thinking about everything else but Old Testament.
Examples
“I hear Mr. Slagel pats all the grease of his pizza. Funny, my little sister does the same thing.”
“Wonder what the ratio of Mrs. Neiman’s bows is to how many times Mr. Sprow says “Right” in a lecture.”
‘What is this cootie-less creature next to me?”
Yes my fellow freshmen men… it’s a girl.
And just as this information hits, you remember vaguely something about a dance. Homecoming? Right now I’ll be staying at home.
No worries my children, Papa Brando is here to help.
First you have to pick a specimen. You could go with your average fellow freshmen, but we want to build a name for yourself.
I’m thinking… O I got it; that senior in your pre-algebra class. The age thing probably won’t bother her much. I mean, we both know those aren’t your test answers she’s checking out.
Now, we need a plan of attack, and I got a failsafe way of asking a girl. While other guys are ditching their manhood by thinking of cute ways to ask a girl (who tapes homecoming with me on the back of a sweater?) your goings keep it classy.
I got two words for you: Sex Panther. Yep, the cologne that, 60% of the time it works, every time. Now that you’ve musked up, walk up to her and tell her you bought her a ticket to the dance, and if she is plays her cards right, you’ll grant her free admission to the gun show.
So you’ve made it to the dance floor, date and all, but now realized your date is looking like a skyscraper next to you while you dance “face to face, leaving some space.”
O who am I kidding; it’s a jungle out there, with one rule- Survival of the fittest. So while the poacher herself is picking of giraffes like me, you are safely under the cover of your date, who, coincidentally, looks like she is having a seizure, since no one can see you. It could be worse; I’m sure Mr. Horvath felt the same way at his senior prom.
You’re almost in the clear. You’re on her doorstep. She mumbles something about having the worst time of her life, but it’s barely audible with the voice in your head telling you to kiss her. So do you?
No! No you don’t. Put that voice on mute my friend and think about this logically. What’s the point in trying to reach first base at your first at bat? All you’re going to do is strike out, fly out, ground out, notice the key word yet? Also, you’re on her doorstep and her father is most likely watching your every move.
For all you know he could be…
a) a convicted felon
b) a 300 pound ex football player
c) the mayor of Detroit
or
d) all of the above
You don’t want any of that. Just stick her with a firm handshake and thanks for doing business with you. This saves your life and leaves her begging for more. Maybe even next time you will find yourself being thrown an intentional walk.
